Everyone wants a village. But how to be a good villager?
Let me tell you about my friend Adrienne. She’s a high school science teacher, a mom of two, and part of a sprawling extended family. She’s also, hands down, one of the best villagers I know.
You’ve heard the saying, “It takes a village to raise a child.” It’s been adapted in countless ways, but at its core, it’s about how our well-being depends on an interconnected web of people.
It’s about community.
Since Election Day, one piece of advice has been firehosed at us on every survival list for the next four years: Find your community. Lean on your community. Create community. We can talk another day about finding and building community, but today, let’s talk about being in community.
Back to Adrienne. She’s in my daily Wordle score group chat, which means I’m usually texting with her before 7 a.m., sharing what we’re up to for the day. Her responses are often things like:
“Ashley’s husband is in NYC for a liver transplant, so I have their kids for the weekend.”
“Driving to Poughkeepsie to pick up a wig for my friend in chemo.”
“Making ziti for Kerry’s meal train.”
When I had hip surgery, she was one of the first to show up with a casserole. Adrienne is the definition of “in community.” A model villager, if you will.
What We Can Learn from People Like Adrienne
Good Villagers Check In
Add birthdays, wedding dates, surgeries, and Anniversaries of Hard Things to your calendar. When you have 5 minutes, scroll down to a text conversation from a month ago and pick the chat back up with a “Hey, was thinking of you.” message.Good Villagers Offer Help
They go to funerals and bring extra tissues. They visit recuperating friends and new babies with a ziti in tow. Not a great cook? Bring a pizza. Low on cash? A $4 bouquet from Trader Joe’s or a home-canned jar of peaches. No time for in-person support? A simple text: “I heard things are rough right now, and you’re in my heart” can fill someone’s sails more than you’d expect.Good Villagers are Good Connectors & Celebrate Wins
Introduce people who would get along or who have shared interests. Share job openings or recommend friends for opportunities. Nominate your friends for awards, and talk good shit about them behind their backs. When a friend is in the news, or has a win - message them, or post about it on social media, shining a light on their accomplishment.Leave the Door Open for Help to Flow Both Ways
Let people help you, too—accepting kindness strengthens relationships. People feel much more comfortable asking for help from those they’ve already helped. This isn’t about keeping score—it’s about creating psychological safety. It’s telling people, “I trust you enough to be vulnerable,” which makes them feel safer doing the same in return.
So what do you ask for? Well, what do you need?
This weekend, I wanted company and help cold-sowing my mountain of vegetable seeds. So I put out the call, and my friend Steve came over with his own seeds. We spent an hour catching up while filling milk jugs with soil and sharing seeds. Steve is married to my friend Jenn (another model villager!) who’s in my Euchre Tournament crew. Each month, we rotate houses for a big card party and potluck, and Jenn is the first to throw an extra table in her car to bring. Next month, we’re at Rhonda’s house. Her husband, another Steve, is an architect who helped us build our patio pavilion. When we needed extra hands, both Steves showed up with ladders, and Rhonda and Jenn helped me kill a bottle of wine while we watched.
The point is: this doesn’t have to be a big ask. It just has to be a doorknob—a simple way to open the door a little wider.
Being a Villager Starts with Small Acts
Adrienne isn’t superhuman. (I mean, honestly? She really might be.) But more likely, she’s just paying attention, stepping in where she can, and trusting that when she needs her village, it will be there for her, too. That’s how community works—not as a transaction, but as a give and take. A web of small acts that, together, create something sturdy and strong.
So, here’s your invitation: pick up the phone, send a text, make a small ask, or answer one. Open that door just a little wider.
That’s how villages are built.
That’s how we’re going to get through this.
That’s how we take care of each other.
Chicken Update
The girls are two weeks old now and have doubled in size from when they came home. We’ve named all the blonde ones Betty & the black ones are all Veronicas. These two Betties have claimed the top of the brooder warmers as their thrones. They have about one more week of being cute before they step into their dinosaur-era. You’ll know what I mean when you see it.
